These predictions are only slightly less reliable than the forecast, but don’t tell Dave Anderson from Northern News Now.
I’m not someone who plans my life around horoscopes, but I read them the way I read the extended forecast: amused, curious, and fully aware that accuracy is optional. A friend once tried to convince me astrology works because humans are mostly water and the moon controls the tides. I’m not sure on the science of all that, but I think it’s fun to think about.
Consider the predictions below a lighthearted guide to 2026. I’m no astrologer, but I am a Minnesotan, which means I can confidently predict at least a few things will go sideways.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
You will confidently declare winter “not that bad” this year. The next day, your car battery will argue that fact with you. Keep jumper cables in the trunk along with emergency supplies. And maybe a thermos of hot cocoa.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
You’ll attempt to make “just one quick stop” in Duluth. You’ll return home four hours later without the item you need because you forgot your list. Remember: North Shore shops may have what you need. Save yourself the long first and second trip by shopping local and forgetting your list.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
You’ll start three home projects at once. One will get finished. The other two will become “spring projects,” or “summer projects,” or even New Year’s resolutions for 2027. They’re very versatile!
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
You’ll cry during a commercial featuring a dog. It’s okay. You may be short on sunlight. Consider acquiring one of those Seasonal Affective Disorder lights or get a dog. Or both.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
You’ll dramatically announce you’re moving somewhere warm. Sorry to announce that you will not move anywhere warm, but you may feel surprisingly warm while talking incessantly about it. It’s good to think warm thoughts.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
You’ll organize your garage so well that it will be difficult to locate anything during a blizzard. You’ll purchase a new ice scraper out of frustration. It’s okay, but note that you’ll find the old one as soon as you come home with the new. It’s okay, two is better than one.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
You’ll spend 45 minutes choosing between two nearly identical winter jackets, then buy both with a plan to return one. You probably won’t return it. It’s okay, it might get so cold this winter you’ll need both at the same time.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
You’ll shovel your driveway with the intensity of someone training for a sport. Neighbors will admire you, though they may also avoid eye contact. Be sure to take breaks and wave to anyone watching from the window to assure them you’re okay.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
You’ll attempt a scenic winter hike. You’ll get halfway, slip once, and decide the scenery is just fine from the car. Make sure you bring your phone and tell someone where you’re hiking in case it’s tough to get back to your car in the snow.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
You’ll set ambitious goals for 2026 and achieve them. You may also judge the rest of us for not keeping up but still, congratulations. We are all happy for you.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You’ll invent a brilliant new way to procrastinate indoors. It might involve a blanket fort, leftover holiday lights, or perfecting your hot chocolate ratio. Science may not approve, but you’ll be happy. And happiness is a great goal for 2026.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
You’ll drift into a daydream while driving on Highway 61 and miss your turn by ten miles. It’s okay. There’s always the “Scenic Route” and plenty of shops to make the extra time on the road worth every minute.
Whatever your sign, may 2026 treat you kindly. And if it doesn’t, at least we can all blame the stars.
