My husband and I have spent a lot of years not making a big deal out of Valentine’s Day. As long as I got a bag of those candy conversation hearts at some point in February, I was satisfied. This year, we have plans, but they aren’t Valentine’s plans. They’re “we finally get to be outside again” plans. The weather looks like it might cooperate, and after months of home-building taking over our lives, a little fresh air feels overdue.
I’d encourage anyone to do something they actually enjoy, whether it’s romantic or not. And if you need a nudge, here’s some goofy, absolutely unscientific advice about what your Valentine might like based on their zodiac sign. Maybe by sheer probability, we’ll get a couple right.
If your Valentine is an Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Expect weird. Expect creative. Expect a handmade card featuring an inside joke no one else would understand. They’ll suggest stargazing in minus 10 because “the sky is clearer.” Bring extra layers and lots of patience.
If your Valentine is a Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
They’ll plan a Valentine’s date that makes sense only to them. Something like “let’s go look for heartshaped rocks” or “let’s follow this random trail because it feels right.” You’ll spend the whole time trying to figure out the objective. There isn’t one. They’re just vibing.
If your Valentine is an Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Plan something outdoorsy, but don’t expect it to be romantic. Aries will insist on “a quick hike” that turns into a death march through knee-deep snow because “the trail looked fine on the map.” Keep a warm thermos in your vehicle for the way home. Spare socks too.
If your Valentine is a Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
They want warmth, comfort, and zero windchill. This date should be indoors, under a blanket that may have some pet hair on it, with Valentine’s sweets arranged like a shrine. If you suggest going outside, they’ll stare at you like you’ve betrayed the family. Their pets will too, when they aren’t staring at the sweets. Make sure to get them something too.
If your Valentine is a Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Prepare for whiplash. They’ll suggest a romantic walk, realize it’s too cold, go back inside, get bored, and then drag you out again because “the light looks pretty now.” You’ll put on and take off your boots four separate times because Gemini be like that.
If your Valentine is a Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
They want cozy, sentimental, and safe from frostbite. A Cancer date is sitting in a parked car at a frozen overlook, sharing something homemade while the heater blasts. They’ll cry if you remembered their favorite treat. They’ll cry if you didn’t. Bring ALL the treats and a good soundtrack.
If your Valentine is a Leo (July 23 – August 22)
They will dress up. For February. In Minnesota. They’ll wear something that looks great, but then immediately regret it when the wind hits them like a personal attack. Bring them a cloak. Cloaks should make a comeback anyway.
If your Valentine is a Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
They’ve already planned the entire date, including the exact time the sun will set behind the lake and the safest route to avoid black ice. Your job is to show up on time and not improvise. Bring chapstick. They’ll notice if you don’t.
If your Valentine is a Libra (September 23 – October 22)
They’ll ask what you want to do, reject your first idea with a smile, and then suggest the exact same thing ten minutes later. Just plan something warm with a tiny bit of effort. They’ll love it and take credit for the idea.
If your Valentine is a Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
They’ll act like Valentine’s Day is beneath them, then get weirdly intense about it at 9 p.m. They’ll hand you a deeply meaningful gift they bought in November and pretend they “just grabbed it.” Don’t ask questions. They prefer the mystery.
If your Valentine is a Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
They want adventure. They’ll suggest a spontaneous drive up the Shore, then take a “shortcut” that hasn’t been plowed since December. You’ll end up laughing in a snowbank. If you don’t panic, they’ll love you forever. Bring a shovel.
If your Valentine is a Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
They’ll claim Valentine’s Day is “not a real holiday,” then spend the morning doing something aggressively practical like checking the propane level or reorganizing the garage. Their idea of romance is handing you a high-quality pair of wool socks and saying, “These should last you a decade.” You’ll feel weirdly touched.
Whatever you end up doing this Valentine’s Day, may your plans be warm, your Valentine’s sweets be plentiful, and your Valentine’s sign be easier than a Gemini in February. And if the whole thing goes sideways, just blame the stars. They’re too far away to argue, and honestly, doing something you actually enjoy is the real win anyway.
