Intentions

As a young man hunting deer in Michigan, I used my only gun, a single-shot 12-gauge shotgun. One morning before daylight, I had a lesson about intentions while armed with that gun. While quiet­ly walking in the darkness, I heard conspicuous noise, so I ducked behind a patch of tall raspberry canes. I listened to the sounds of a deer feeding on crunchy apples. This part of my land was old fal­low farm fields littered with volun­teer apple trees and surrounded by fallen-down wire fencing. I could hear that wire rattle as the deer’s antlers came into contact as it fed. I was very excited but had to wait till shooting light to see my target. The deer was easily within range. I was noiseless, and with no wind, my chances felt good. I was very intent on listening, feeling the gun in hand, and waiting. Waiting. The longer I waited, the stronger my an­ticipation. During the wait, I was filled with internal tension. Final­ly, there was enough light to shoot, so I slowly peeked over the brush with gun ready. No deer. No deer! I was so shocked I stood straight up! Then I saw just its head looking to­wards me from a dense pine thicket, followed by a flash of hide and ant­ler disappearing. What had moved the buck off its feeding to hide in the brush? It stood there watching towards my hiding place, only to crash away once it identified me. Had it perceived the projection of my intentions? I knew well how to be stealthy in my hunting, but it had never occurred to me that my inte­rior emotions, my intentions, could be perceived by my quarry.

Since that event, I became aware of my internal workings when in the woods. When I just wander our trails to soak up the beauty and mystery that is nature, I am calm. My intent is to be present in the mo­ment. When walking with our dogs, I am alert to their experience of sound and sight, while watching the golden retriever doesn’t eat mush­rooms. The purpose is exercise for my wife, two dogs, and myself. It is an entirely different walk on those same trails when armed with a gun during hunting season. My inten­tion is to kill something. Grouse, pheasant, and deer become grocer­ies to feed my family and friends. The gun transforms my purpose into that of a predator. I don’t “har­vest” deer because I don’t plant and tend the deer. Harvesting is done in the garden or with a corn picker and wheat combine in a planted field. “Harvesting” deer is language that softens the fact that guns kill.

Choosing to carry a gun implies some personal intentions with nu­merous external effects possible. In the woods with a gun, I feel em­powered in a way absent from any other time. The gun allows me to join the ancient hunter/gatherer tra­dition since I am no good with a spear or bow and arrow. When I am with other hunters or meet them in the woods, I am aware of their in­tentions, so I don’t feel threatened. I am alert to the skill and safety prac­tices of other hunters because we are shooting at living animals, and mistakes do happen

It is very different when guns are carried in public among unarmed citizens. The uniforms of police and military with weapons give us clues into their intentions. We see their weapons, but have some idea of the parameters placed on them by their sworn duties. Different commu­nities have varying trust levels in those limits of action, but the uni­forms are identifiable nevertheless.

We have been present or seen in the news when non-uniformed, masked, and unmasked men with guns show up at various public demonstrations. That attire sends a different message of their intended actions. Masks and guns are what we equate with bank robbers and threatening criminals, meaning to do harm. Some of these armed anti-protest goers claim they car­ry guns out of fear for their safety. People who are truly afraid of fly­ing don’t get into airplanes. People truly afraid of the public stay home. But masked, armed men claiming fear go boldly into crowds of peo­ple with different views than their own. Remember what I said about myself becoming a gun-carrying predator when hunting deer.

My assumption is that some of these armed men are hunting. Looking for and perhaps provoking the need to “defend” themselves. We have seen some examples in the news. A seventeen-year-old re­turning from a convenience store after dark was shot to death in Flor­ida. An armed adult man, while on ‘neighborhood watch,” followed him through a residential area after police dispatch told him to cease his action. After killing the youth, the adult claimed self-defense and was acquitted of all legal charges. While I am on “deer watch” (called hunting), I track my prey (called stalking) until I am able to shoot it.

As another example, a seven­teen-year-old traveled some dis­tance to Kenosha, Wisconsin, to join a protest over a police shoot­ing. He was armed and eventually shot three protesters, killing two of them. He also claimed self-de­fense and was acquitted of all legal charges. He went on to become a celebrity among some gun rights groups, promoting the right to self-defense in all circumstances. No matter if one’s own actions cre­ated the need for “self-defense”.

I feel a certain need to apologize for this blunt, visceral article about the impact of carrying a deadly weapon. But that impact shouldn’t be minimized as if oft done with language (“harvesting” deer) and laws (“stand your ground”) de­signed to mute the real purpose of guns, which is to kill. We are expe­riencing more threatening gun pres­ence at public protests and deadly shootings at schools, churches, and entertainment venues. I find the increase in unnecessary, confron­tational gun violence extremely troubling. If this troubles you, write letters to policymakers stating your opinions. Stand up and speak out for a civil society. In the meantime, when seeing guns carried by some­one with questionable intentions, call law enforcement, then be like that deer back in Michigan. Follow your gut perceptions and keep your­self safe.