Crazy Car

By Lawrence Doe

In Renaissance Italy, the title “Doge” referred to the highest gov­ernmental official in Venice and Genoa

Lately, I’ve been thinking about DOGE (Department of Govern­ment Efficiency) with its talk of waste, fraud, and inefficiency in government. So I decided to ap­ply those three indictments to my own life to see what I could find. I tried the name “Department of Per­sonal Efficiency”, but I didn’t like its acronym (DOPE). So I settled on “Department of Individual Ef­ficiency,” whose acronym is DOIE (pronounced “doughy”).

So I started with my car. I’m no scientist, engineer, or other kind of elitist, but I have common sense. Spare tire? That one is obvious in the name. I opened the trunk and chucked the “spare” into the woods. The car has four tires, so a fifth is a waste. Come to think of it, my car is front wheel drive. What are the rear wheels doing? More waste, so I jacked up the vehicle and tore off the rear axle. While I was under there, I noticed the catalytic con­verter. What a fraud! This whole environmental thing is government overreach. Besides, these convert­ers are getting stolen all the time for the salvage value. So I cut mine off the exhaust system to sell it myself. I’ll get the money instead of some ne’er-do-well. I’m no dummy.

When I lowered the back end to the ground, I noticed the license plate. Wow. The government is tracking me! What else could it be? A license to drive on roads my taxes already paid for? I don’t think so. I removed the rear plate, and on my way to the front, I thought of the registration. More government waste. I know I own the car, why do they care? I wadded it up and trashed it along with both plates.

I get in to drive my newly effi­cient car when I automatically latch the seatbelt. Whoa, I think.

Safety regulations? Just another example of government regula­tions. I’m a good driver, so I don’t need regulating. I cut it off, chuck it out the window, then think of some poor guy who gets himself into an accident. Let him wear the government harness.

I smugly fire up my newly ef­ficient auto and pull out on the highway. The dragging rear end is throwing sparks like crazy. Looks pretty cool, like fireworks. In my rearview mirror (humm, do I need that?) I can see the roadside forest start to ignite from the sparks. Oh well, that’s someone else’s prob­lem. Maybe the U S Forest Service should get efficient. That would be DOUSFSE (Department of U S Forest Service Efficiency, pro­nounced “douse”).

Driving down the road, I con­sider expressing my independence from regulation by driving on the left side of the highway. Instead, I decide, after I get my catalytic con­verter money, to drive to Washing­ton, D.C. I got some ideas.