As a high school freshman in 1964, I really admired the upperclassmen in their varsity jackets with a cute girl on their arm. When I won my first varsity letter in the fall of my sophomore year, I eagerly signed up for the club’s winter induction. The event was held in the evening when all staff had left the school building. I had no idea what would happen to me and the other inductees at the hands of those awe-inspiring upperclassmen.
I won’t go into all the details, but let me just say we were humiliated, sexualized, and beaten while the club sponsor watched. He was the basketball coach and my advanced math teacher. How do I know this when all of us initiates were blindfolded? I realized that if I tipped my head back, I could peek under the cloth tied around my head. After the blindfolding, we were stripped to our undershorts, and all our tender parts were liberally anointed with hot sauce. We were forced to kneel in front of toilet bowls to fish out the contents. Being force-fed canned cat food resulted in gagging and puking, which led to the cold showers where we were beaten with folded newspapers. After about an hour of this treatment, the locker room was filled with sobbing and outright crying. Then I heard words that greatly influenced how I would live my life. An upperclassman shouted, “Oh shut up! Quit your crying! Next year you can do this to someone else!”
The next morning at school, I was literally painfully aware of the secrets kept by those boys I had admired only the day before. I was stunned by the contrast between public vs closed-door behavior. My mind was full of questions. Why did these classmates act with such cruelty? Why was it allowed as part of school? Was violent bullying and secrecy required to belong to the club? Did revenge keep the system alive? Was accepting this brutality required in becoming an adult man? The adult male sponsor witnessing the hazing seemed to accept such male behavior. Certainly, the secrecy helped to maintain the crude ritual. I went on to win letters each year in cross country and track, but I never attended another Varsity club meeting. I wouldn’t wear my club pin. But I did keep the secret. In hindsight, I should have told someone. As I grew into manhood, this event helped me formulate three questions for myself. First, “what are the explicit and implicit rules and dues for belonging?” Secondly, “how do I want to be in the world?” And thirdly, “does revenge heal the wounding?”
The first question about the rules and dues required behind closed doors to belong seems to be particularly relevant in today’s events. What were the “dues” paid by the adult members of the U.S. Girls Gymnastics organization who knew of Larry Nassar’s abuse at Michigan State University (my alma mater)? What silence was kept by adult leaders to maintain belonging in the Boy Scouts (I am an Eagle Scout), the Catholic Church, and the Southern Baptist Congregation during their years of abuse? What rules resulting in cowardice and silence behind closed political doors are required to belong in Trump’s wing of the Republican Party in its seeming attempt to subvert American democracy?
A closed door is a barrier to public view, critics, and the law. It creates anonymity and concealment. Masking is an ancient form of disguise that allows wearers to take on different personae to act out cultural ceremonies or hide villainy. I wonder what is in the hearts and minds of ICE employees when they hide their faces while performing their duties. I wonder about their training, indoctrination, and incentives hidden from public and legal view. The modern internet can act as a closed door in its ability to create untraceable anonymity. The terrible, violent threats make clear what is in the hearts and minds of those hidden sources.
The second question simply asks of myself, “How do I want to be in the world?” My answer and resulting actions impact my immediate family and community. A greater impact requires a common answer by a larger group to create a livable society. So ask yourself what kind of society you want to live in and then be that person. Do you want to amass personal power and wealth at the expense of others, or is there a way to be equitable? Do you want to live in a society divided by hate and fear or one attempting tolerance and cooperation? Do you want to live by the rule of law or by the rule of a tyrant?
The third question asks if revenge heals humiliation. MAGA bragging about voting for Trump to “make the Liberals cry” is a modern form of revenge for feeling wronged in any number of ways. You’ll have to ask those members if they feel healed. Maybe their answer will cause you to throw away your club pin and risk being on “the outside”. Another option is to speak up about any club’s closed-door activities. This often results in such severe retribution that the federal government had to create “whistle-blower” laws to protect individuals who speak up. Those laws are ineffective against the anonymous threats made on the internet.
Having asked these fundamental questions, I can only answer for myself. After 75 years of living, I do have my answers. My only wonder is: would there be fewer angry, vengeful men in my society if, years ago, I had told authorities what went on behind closed doors? I think probably so.
